At my wedding, I shall serve human blood

Pretty.

I bet we have more sparkly skin.

Yes this is baseball.

You are the best, most venomous boyfriend I've ever had.

I finally gave in. I finally sat down and watched Twilight.

For many moons my sister and past roommate tried to convince me that this was good literature. "Hannah, you like books. You would love this." That really is the main thing that angers me about the whole ordeal. It's not good by any means. It's entertaining, sure. Fun, sure. And I'd even say creative. But it is so ridiculous and, well, hilarious, that I can't take any of it seriously.

I love when I ask Elle a question about it (Why doesn't she just become a vampire too? When a werewolf imprints someone does everyone know? Do humans have soul mates too? Why does Edward suck out the venom and not Carlisle?), she delights in her explanation, as if this is the truth and no one can really argue it.

"You see, Hannah, the only way to kill a vampire is...No, werewolves aren't bad. Vampires are the bad ones...He does that because he wants to eat her but he can't because he loves her so much...His skin sparkles because he's the most beautiful thing ever...Yeah, his hair is long because he's an Indian."

I read about 50 pages of the first book just to prove I could put it down quite easily, a feat that most girls claim impossible. But I wanted to watch the movie because, let's be honest, that red-lipped guy and the main girl are pretty good looking.

I, like any American, enjoy watching beautiful people on screen, because while they might be gorgeous in person, they are even more so after all the hoopla and make-up and those white floppy things that reflect light to eliminate blemishes. The Edward boy is charming and the Bella girl lovely. I want to be their friends in real life.

The scenery behind the people was also appealing. It made me want to move back to the Pacific Northwest.

And I liked the music. (I hear the music for New Moon is even better.)

And I like how it was a bit edgy. The director, who also directed the maximum edgy Thirteen, certainly loves her diagonal angles.

But all of those factors do not erase the fact that this movie is so outlandish that I am sad for the screaming girls for they know not what they do. Twilight almost convinced me that is what love is like. And my very sensible sister even yelled out during the scene where they jump from tree to tree, "I want a vampire boyfriend!" I swear she's much more logical and down-to-earth than I, and yet apparently she has been persuaded that a super strong, super fast, cold as ice, sparkly glowy boy with pale skin is the only option. (For the record, she is happily married to a tall, pale mustached man who is fairly strong for a human.)

I applaud Meyer for her success, but every time I witness the obsession that has become her saga, I want to shake those koo-koo girls and tell them not to wait around for a sparkling soul mate. The catch-22 that forces Bella and Edward to practice abstinence does not exist. If this were real, Bella and Edward would do it, get pregnant, have a changeling child, and break up because Bella would be bitter toward Eddy because he took her virginity and because he can't pay child support because he's only 17 and will remain 17 forever, forever, forever ever, forever ever.

I'm sorry Miss Jackson. This is for real.

(Elle did enlighten me that Bella and Ed get married, have violent, passionate sex, get pregnant, and have a mixed child; and to give birth to her they have to perform some sort of brutal, vampire C-section because the baby is breaking Bella's bones. At least Meyer threw in a healthy dose of convoluted reality: her version of a sex-ed video reminding kids about the harshness of forgetting protection. A writer for Vanity Fair called this wait-till-wedlock theme a perfect helping for the parents of the swooning daughters and also for Meyer's mormon friends.)

In the end, I was already tired of the battle of unquenched love between the couple. Not because it's not riveting, my god, no. But because it's absurd.

I wish I could write this week's editorial on this. But I'm not sure these opinions are worthy for print.

P.S. The baseball scene was weird.